Room Sweet Room

This past Monday was like Christmas for me.  How could that be in October, you ask? Well, I woke up with great anticipation and excitement as I knew I would be receiving a gift I had longed for.

My gift was a class I attended at church called Shepherding a Child's Heart (24/7 Family) taught by Chelsea Cameron.  Several of my friends had already taken it last year, and I couldn't wait for the new session to begin.  I sat next to close friends and soon-to-be new friends.  Assembled in this room were 250 women.  We all had one mission -- to become better moms and wives -- with God's help.  Chelsea, the mother of six (!), spoke of her challenges raising a family and being a good wife.  She said something that resonated in my heart.  "I thought I would be good at this job."  So did I.

I never dreamed of being a mom.  I hated to babysit.  I became an aunt when I was seven years old, and saw from a very young age that motherhood was something that actually scared me.  I saw my share of tantrums, interruptions and inconveniences.  Not to mention puddles of vomit (yeck!) and the high fever in the middle of the night. To me, motherhood was the epitome of permanence, and not always the good kind!  And I'm a girl who kind of fears permanence.  Even wallpaper and acrylic nails scare me a bit.  Though I know they can both be taken down and taken off, I still see them as a really big commitment.  Yes, I've done both.  But always holding my breath!

The evening before I was to have my son (he was a scheduled C-section), my parents, husband I and went to dinner.  I think they saw this meal as a celebration before his birth.  I saw it as the last quiet meal before I was a parent for the rest of my life.  I couldn't eat.  When we got home, my Dad took me aside in the kitchen and said, "You're making me a little nervous tonight.  You should be excited you're going to have a baby tomorrow morning.  I don't see that excitement in you."

My very honest response? "How do I know I'm going to like this?  What if I don't?"  I was petrified of becoming a mom for the rest of my life.

Prior to getting married, I worked in a law firm.  This office was basically filled with attorneys who wished they had never become attorneys.  They went to law school, passed the bar and were busy meeting with clients.  But now they were busy meeting with counselors who specialized in finding new careers for unhappy attorneys.  (Yes, there are actually counselors who specialize in this!)  For some reason, I never forgot that.  I saw parenthood as the equivalent of a miserable attorney.  But at least they could change jobs!

But then God, in His infinite wisdom, decided He would give me two children.  He entrusted me -- the girl who feared motherhood -- with the job of loving them, guiding them and teaching them to know Jesus.

These last 10 years of motherhood, quite honestly, have been difficult years for me.  I've had my share of interruptions and inconveniences.  I've had to become selfless.  By far, the most difficult thing one could ask me to become!  The fruits of the spirit -- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control (Galatians 5:22-23) -- were not always abundant in my new home.  The fruits of the spirit are qualities of character that God grows inside of you.  Well, I was a young mom whose heart contained little fruit.  My "fruit" bowl was pretty empty!

Last May, I began to feel little seedlings beginning to sprout within me.  I had come back from the Calvary Women's Retreat and realized God had been tapping me on the shoulder and whispering in my ear, "be still."  I was so busy and distracted, that I rarely called on Him.  Rather, I tried to do it on my own.  Well, you know what that gets you.

Through new friends I had met at the retreat, I began hearing about Chelsea's class.  Though always full, I dreamed one day about hearing her wisdom and applying it in my home.  Well, that day was Monday.  And as I said, it was a gift from God.  He had hand-picked me to be among those 250 women and hear her inspiring words and reaffirm my belief that "With God, all things are possible."

I came home and told my husband, "I want to become a better wife and mom.  I want you to pray for me."  I let my tears flow.  I let my walls down.   I let the past be history.  As Chelsea concluded, "You have a new book to write."  Well, it's only Day Two of my new book, but as you can see, I've placed an old pair of baby shoes atop my Bible as a daily reminder of all the "baby steps" I have yet to make. 

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." 

--Psalm 62:5